Momma, I See you.

This morning on my walk I saw a woman I can’t get out of my mind. She was moving quickly along the path with a baby strapped against her chest, a leashed dog in one hand, and her five-year-old son skipping a couple steps ahead.

I watched from a distance, smiling at her energy and focus as she cared for everyone in her presence.

This is us. This is what most moms do every single day. We juggle work, children, homework, sports, our pets and the household food supply. We manage the various needs and choreograph the many moving parts required to keep our families effectively operating. 

If this gal and I had been in the same life season, I would have wanted her as a friend, colleague or co-leader for the school fundraiser. You want a woman like this on your team —hard working, efficient and wildly creative. Despite our crazy schedules and multi-tasking, most of us still find ways to support each other, pick up the slack as needed and rarely complain about any of it. That would, of course, be a waste of our precious time and energy.

Like me, many people would be inspired by this young woman, or they might just glance and not even recognize how remarkable she is.

In fact, I wonder if she even appreciates her amazing feats, or has her ability to push, accomplish and move fast become a necessary, self-imposed expectation?

I saw myself in this mom, how I raised my now young adult twins while my husband focused on being the main breadwinner. I was the primary caregiver, scheduler, soccer team mom and volunteer at two middle schools all while holding down a career in PR and squeezing in exercise to stay in shape.

I thrived on the busyness. It made me feel important and in control as I crossed things off my endless ‘to do’ list. 

My identity and self-worth became intertwined with how much I was accomplishing for everyone else- my family, the kids’ schools, my company.

I often felt overwhelmed and yet, ironically, I wanted more. What that was, I wasn’t sure.  

I started to sense an emptiness within when my children were on the cusp of being teenagers and stopped needing me the same way. I was still required for carpools, meals and sporting events, but hanging out with me was no longer as important.

After school they’d escape to their bedrooms to do homework or connect with friends and I found myself alone. Occasionally the solitude provided me relief, a chance to exhale and recharge.

But slowing down also made me feel. And that’s when I realized the years of frantic busyness masked a growing void in my soul. I felt isolated, not from others, but separated from myself.

If I wasn’t doing everything for everyone else, then who was I? And what did I want for my life?

Then one day, as I debated numbing with peanut M & M’s or potato chips, it hit me.

I’d been so focused on others, what others thought of the kind of mom and woman I was- that I’d stopped making me a priority.

I was responsible for my own happiness, and I needed to know it was okay to choose me.

And so, I set out to find myself again. Rediscover what might satisfy my heart in a different way.

I took on this Deep Dive into Katie with the same intensity as I did most things in life.

I practiced yoga more frequently, along with meditation, positive affirmations and spiritual retreats. I experimented with painting, finding life in the abstracts emerging on canvases. I dedicated time each day to journaling and began creative writing with the wild notion that someday I’d write a book.

I allowed myself to be a bit more self-absorbed and discovered new avenues that filled my spirit with joy. In time, this devotion to self, made me feel peaceful, lighter and more complete.

I’d found a beautiful balance between the selflessness of motherhood and the selfishness my soul required, to be undefined by roles and expectations.

I reflected on those realizations as I watched that young woman walking with her family. I wondered if she was genuinely happy or finding meaning in busyness and doing.

I wished I would’ve had the chance to tell her, I see you. I applaud you. But please know, you are valued not for all you do, but for who you are inside your heart. I’d encourage her to take inventory of herself and her own well-being. I’d ask her to consider, what she needed to be genuinely content, happy and whole. 

I’d let her know it’s okay to slow down—be quiet, listen and feel. Our children are a gift who deserve to be loved and nurtured.

But so are you, my friend, so are you.