Judgement and Womanhood

The other day, a dear friend from college reached out to tell me she’s enjoying reading my Substack posts.

“What resonates most is how relatable your writing is for all women and our roles in society,” she told me.

That meant the world to me because that’s exactly why I write.

But what she said next made my heart sink.

“The judgement that comes from not having a family and kids is so brutal.”

I often write about the challenges and triumphs of motherhood, and yet this path isn’t for everyone. Either by choice or circumstance there are many women who don’t have children.

No matter our situation, women can’t escape judgement.

-Don’t have kids? You must be selfish. How will your life have meaning?

-Have children and a career? You’re obviously self-absorbed. Your kids should come first.

-Or you’re a mom who doesn’t work outside the house. You’re labeled “stay at home,” implying you don’t really do much with your life beyond that. Must be nice. What do you do all day?

We can’t win.

No matter our choices as women, we face judgement. Some of the harshest criticism comes from within.

I remember how terrible I felt after my first miscarriage. What’s wrong with me? I’ve spent so many years trying not to get pregnant and now when I want to, I can’t. I’m failing as a woman.

Whether other people were judging me or not, I was doing it to myself.

Years later, after finally having our twins, I suffered tremendous guilt because I also had a career as a morning anchor in Denver. My workday started at 3:30 a.m. So, I was never there to greet my kids when they woke up.

I made up for that by playing supermom every day after work with endless activities and attention. Never mind that I was a zombie from lack of sleep and started to have chest pains from the stress.

I was so afraid of failing as a mom, I set absurd, unattainable expectations for myself that took a physical toll.

When my kids were almost five, life presented me an unexpected chance to shift. Surprising everyone, including myself, I stepped away from my career to support my husband and an opportunity he had in another state.

For about nine months I didn’t work.

I’ll never forget when a friend’s husband asked me, “How does it feel to no longer be someone?”

I was so shocked by his insensitive jab; I couldn’t even come up with a witty comeback. His perception was that my life no longer had meaning because I wasn’t working in news anymore and was ‘just a mom.’

This is the real and pervasive mindset we’re up against.

No matter the role we women take on, society judges us.

I’ve come to believe that every woman, every person, needs to make the choice that makes them most happy, most of the time. It also needs to align with your family’s needs, financial situation and personal ambitions.

Oftentimes, we don’t have control over our choices. Life makes them for us. Even the best laid out plans can shatter in an instant. That happened to me when my first marriage unexpectedly blew up.

I still look back on my life and wonder if I could have made better decisions.

Probably. Maybe. Who knows?

I spent many years analyzing and working on a spiritual level to forgive myself for my apparent mistakes. I finally found peace knowing that I made my choices based on the information that I had at the time. And at time, those were the right choices.

It is so hard trying to live up to everyone else’s expectations. I’m still working on not caring about what other people think. That’s easier said than done.

Wouldn’t it be beautiful if women could find solidarity with each other, push back against all the noise and judgements. Give ourselves and other women grace.

This I know, whatever path you’re on. Someone else is right there with you. You’re not alone.