It’s Okay to Ask For Help

I’ve always been an early riser, even more so now that I’m in my 50s and everything disrupts my sleep- hormones, sugar or my husband tossing and turning.

One morning last week I was out the door with Moki, our mini-Bernedoodle, shortly after 5 a.m. I wore a headlamp to light our way and keep an eye out for deer that frequent our neighborhood. It also helped alert the rare car zipping by that I was there and would prefer not to be hit.

We were just about done with our 45-minute walk when I noticed another headlamp bobbing up and down toward us. We stayed on opposite sides of the street because it felt safer, not knowing who the other person was. We did acknowledge each other.

“Hey there,” the dark figure said.

“Good morning!” I replied.

As the other early bird passed, I realized it was my neighbor Susie, and she was walking with a purpose.

Once I got home, I texted her.

“Hey Susie,” I wrote. “It was so dark, I didn’t know that was you.”

“Yeah, I’m headed to my eye surgery that I’m having this morning.”

Okay, excuse me? You’re walking to your eye procedure at zero dark thirty?

There’s a hospital about a mile down the road, but still. Really?! Why wasn’t someone driving her there?

Susie explained that she didn’t want to make her husband get out of bed and she likes to get her steps in.

“I don’t mind. I’m nutty that way.”

I found myself shaking my head. Susie has a lot of friends in the neighborhood, me included, who would have happily taken her.

“I get it,” I replied. “But we’re always here to help if you need it.”

Bemused as I was, I could honestly see myself doing the exact same thing. I wouldn’t want to inconvenience anyone or wake them up before dawn. Better to hoof it on my own, get in some exercise and kill two birds with one stone.

But it got me thinking—why don’t women like to ask for help?

We’re often the first to step in for others. But if we’re ever in a moment of need ourselves, we hesitate. We power through. Unless we’re in a real bind, and even then, only if it’s a doozy. Like, I broke my ankle, so I can’t walk to my early morning eye surgery.

So, what is that about?

Do women believe we always have to be strong, capable and independent?

Are we afraid of being judged, or considered weak?

I know my friend Susie and I are not alone in operating this way. It’s an interesting phenomenon, and I wonder if we can all learn something from it.

I’ll share my thoughts on that in a minute.

First, though, here’s more about why I do what I do.

Everyone is busy; I don’t want to bother them.

When my to do list is long, it’s often easier to get shit done and move on to the next thing than explain the tasks to someone else or ask for their help.

It is also about control. I like things done a certain way. I could ask for someone else to bring an appetizer to our dinner party but what if no one likes it, or what if they forget and the crowd is disappointed or hungry?! That would reflect poorly on me.

Admittedly, I am Type A. My life’s been far too messy to believe perfection is attainable. Still, I want to get as close to it as I possibly can, even if it exhausts me.

It’s ironic. Our independence drives us. It helps us succeed, manage the complexities of our work and home life and keep everything functioning.

And yet, I wonder, does it also isolate us; deny us the love and care we provide others and that we deserve?

Maybe so.

That’s why I’m trying to let others help me more.

For Easter brunch I’ve asked family and friends to bring sides and desserts. I even suggested that store bought items are just fine.

I’m a part of this amazing cohort of authors, who are also publishing their books-novels, thrillers and memoirs- through She Writes Press, the same hybrid publisher I’m working with. We have a Facebook group and meet regularly to ask questions or offer suggestions for navigating this unfamiliar world of book publishing. I’m touched by how giving and helpful each of these women is.

Also, unsolicited, I’ve had friends and colleagues go out of their way to refer me for new work opportunities and to speak on panels. I didn’t ask for their help, they just did it.

And guess what? It all feels really good.

What a beautiful thing to have kind, loving people in your life who want to support you and see good things happen for you.

I realize most of us women aren’t going to change our ways. We are capable, hard-driving and thrive on achieving. Still, maybe we don’t always have to go it alone. We can be strong individuals and perhaps even stronger as a community.

So, what do you think?

Are you ready to let others step in and offer a helping hand?

If so, sister, I’m here for you.

It’s okay to ask for help.

Really, it is.